This post explains a life learning lesson after a traumatic event I experienced as explained in the 4-part story that precedes this post here: http://www.josharch.com/blog/tragic-event-part-1
When you help someone or even save their life, it is a major responsibility for you and the other person. The rescued person may feel indebted to the rescuer since the situation warrants more than just the same “thank you” as when someone holds the door open. The rescuer doesn’t need the “thank you“ though. The “thank you” almost sort of adds to the burden of being a rescuer who just happened to be in the right place at the right time. Of course the situation deserves thanks, but in the rescuer’s eyes, the rescuer is simply happy that the other person is ok - or at least better off. When life is on the line, a rescuer defies that. A rescuer steps up and does whatever can be done.
It may even be a simple action like many parents do regularly as their kids do reckless things like playing with an electrical outlet or not looking both ways before crossing the street. Or, it could be the valiant efforts of war vets that put their own life on the line to protect the guy next to them. First responders deal with these situations regularly and rely on the fact that they did their best with the realities of the specific situation. The rescuer wants to see the other person succeed, live on, and not get hurt. The rescuer is just another person who respects humanity. In some situations, the rescuer experiences a traumatic situation to help someone else such as situations in wars, car accidents, and other similar tragedies. The rescuer sees a person in need and basically helps them out of the helpless situation. In doing so, the rescuer briefly shares elements of the tragedy with the person being helped.
The rescuer also understands that the trauma the other person will likely endure after the rescue will potentially require a long road to rehabilitation and even a lifetime of anxiety and stress related to the event. The rescuer is burdened in feeling somewhat responsible for that ongoing trauma and guilty for not having to also endure with any significant amount of trauma compared to the other person. This rescuer understands that the minimal trauma he or she experienced is negligible compared to that of the rescued person, and this burden makes it tough to deal with the situation internally. It’s called survivor’s guilt. The other person went through so much more, so the rescuer feels the need to suppress the emotions since they pale in comparison. The rescued person needs so much more healing, and that is the focus to the rescuer.
Once the rescuer saves someone, the saving doesn’t stop in that moment. The saving continues until the other person is completely healed. The rescuer cannot get that burden eased until it is known that the other person is back to normal. Even then, the rescuer just wants the person to feel normal and not as if they owe anything. The “thank you’s” are warm gestures, but they are also reminders of a debt that the rescuer does not feel obligated to collect. To the rescuer, there is no debt. Once the situation is resolved and everyone is fully healed, this is the only thanks that the rescuer really wants. This is more of a sense of relief than anything else. This eases that burden.
In many situations, the victim may not return back to normal, or they may not even live. Although the rescuer helped them to survive longer than they would have on their own under the unfortunate circumstances, the rescuer feels obligated to achieve a better outcome. The rescuer feels responsible for any outcome that is not the ideal one. The rescuer replays the events over and over and wonders what could have been done differently to make the outcome better. The rescuer wishes for a second chance to do things differently and feels a sense of regret and guilt for it - even though hindsight is 20/20. The rescuer cannot lose the sense of that burden, so the rescuer must learn to cope with it. This is the burden of the “hero.” Regardless of the outcome, the rescuer wishes it could be better, and the coping and memory of the trauma is a lifelong battle for the rescuer. To the rescuer, this is worth it. Despite this responsibility, the rescuer would step in again and not shy away from the opportunity to help someone in need. Nonetheless, the rescuer battles the regrets, guilt, and memory of the traumatic experience that the other person endured.
A message to those who have been helped:
You don’t owe the rescuer anything. Please do your best to heal, and let the rescuer know how that is progressing. The rescuer wants/needs to know that you are well.
A message to others who call someone a hero:
A rescuer just wants the other person to feel better. Calling someone a hero, or even discussing the traumatic event, causes them to relive that situation. Please focus on asking about the victim who was helped. They are the one that has a long road to recovery and needs all the help they can get.
If you would like to read the 4-part story of this tragic event that inspired this essay, it starts here: http://www.josharch.com/blog/tragic-event-part-1
Some have asked what prepares someone for these situations. As far as I understand it, it is similar to anything else: repetition. If you practice something over and over, you become accustomed to it, and it becomes easier each time. While I have never been involved in any experience that I would consider horrendous like many war vets or first responders, I have been involved in a few stressful situations such as a CO poisoning rescue, calling first responders as a kid when witnessing someone get maimed while repairing a lawnmower, and even simpler things things like swimming a long distance from an island to mainland while controlling asthma. Also as a kid, I was on my swing set while policed chased a burglar just feet away from me with guns drawn and had to understand what that meant for my future well-being. I’ve also chased down a burglar to recover the belongings after I witnessed him steal someone’s bag (caught on my dash cam and posted on FB), I’ve called 911 while in my own house after seeing muddy footprints from an intruder on the floor next to a window that got broken into, and I’ve talked down an overwhelmed kid who was laying in the street in the middle of traffic hoping to end his life. Even stressful events at work with many tasks thrown at you simultaneously that require high levels of responsibility all contribute to how someone may react in sink or swim situations. All of these things shape who you are and change how you react to stress in the future.
Staying calm is key, but that doesn’t happen by magic. Some people practice meditation to control their thoughts and others have experienced many tragedies that sort of desensitizes them. Calmness enables you to understand the facts, data, and irrelevant aspects of a situation, so you can react most effectively. Nonetheless, regardless of how prepared anyone may be for tragic situations, the aftermath and road to recovery still takes time and thoughtful commitment to overcome. Our reaction to those situations can result in pity from others or admiration from others. We can’t control what happens to us, but with practice and self-focus, we can control how we react to situations. Choosing to try to react with bravery to overcome adversity will result in the positives that come with admiration. Choosing to remain stuck as a victim will result in pity which carries anger and depression with it. As recently shared with me, the responsibility is on everyone else to come together to help those around us heal after they’ve experienced troubling situations - both during tragic events and after them (thanks Cat).